so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
