Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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