the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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