Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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