It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
