Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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