I cannot find my penis.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
