I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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