My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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