I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
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I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.