If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
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I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.