Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Randomize
