I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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