My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges