You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
