I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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