I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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