I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
