history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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