Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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critical mistake not lubing the nipples
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
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The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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