I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize