i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
