Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
