Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
