I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
