So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is Oprah even human
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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