some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
