Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
