I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
