dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Randomize
