I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
