Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
