My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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