I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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