there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
