I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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