i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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