doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
