Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
