that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
