today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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