Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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