Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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