I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
