So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
