My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
