i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
