I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
