the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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