I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
you had me at cake vodka
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
