so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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