Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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