I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
