Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
