yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
