I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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