i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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