Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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