I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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