he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
