just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
