2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
