Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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