After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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