someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
