omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
