I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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