Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
