I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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